post graduate syndrome

well its not actually a syndrome.
its just what i am experiencing.
i never thought i'd ever be a bum
having had my first real job when i was 16.
but i am a professional bum now.
i think i choose to be bum
because i want to pick out a career
that is good for a long term plan.
not just an easy cash scam.
im scared to apply for any job
because im afraid
that i might get stuck with a trashy job
not only for the moment but for...ever!
i really dont know what i am passionate about
since i am sooo passionate about many things
yea yea
i am a jack of all trades
but can i be a master of one?
i feel like a kid again.
soul searching.
but this time around...
its more difficult
because although i tell myself to keep an open head
there are just things that an adult is jaded about
rather than being a kid, who explores whatever unbiased.
but sure enough there's one thing i am doing better now
than when i was soul searching as a kid.
i no longer worry about how long this search takes.
i no longer worry about what the outcome is.
i no longer worry what i must do when i know the outcome.
i no longer worry but i still grind my neurons.

haha
this makes me recall the time when i was a junior in high school.
i was meditated. i asked for divine intervention,
i damaged not only my studies but also my relationship with others.
i isolated myself.
i acted weird.
this time around, ill try the more lax approach.
after all, im already an adult.
and as i have observed when i was young,
adults always seem SO CALM, SO KNOWING and SO SURE.
HA!
i found out now, because i'm already one,
that what i have observed wasnt true.
they just SEEM calm
(learning that the mind should have a conclusion before the mouth opens)
they only know how to PROJECT a knowledgeable mien
(by softly nodding & making eye contact to disguise uncertainty)
and they simply SOUND sure
(in a careful manner to avoid slurs, mistakes or further inquisition)

The FUNniest Thing

October 13, 2007 Saturday
20:30 hrs.
My Graduation Day

An old friend asked me out last night to Marco Polo
and with the complete absence of decorum,
i asked if i could bring along some friends.
So I did.
Ziv had love problems with Leo
and as anyone would,
he pretended to ask for some advice from me
to shadow his urge to nag about his feelings.
I gave him exactly what he deserved...
a piece of my mind.
I was telling him so and so's
when my old friend snickered loud enough for me to hear.
Instictively, my neck snapped turning towards her
as i asked:
"What's funny?"
and while she was shaking her head she smilingly said:
"You have changed."
"For the better or for worse?"
"Better, i think"
"How?"
"I guess you have matured now, somehow."
That was the last thing she said that meant anything.

I was actually planning not to show up today
but Mane and a Toga bribe just tickled me into thinking otherwise.
So i showed up...
late.
I had to be late.
I didn't care for the whole darn ceremony for pete's sake.
Ria protests.
So I protested in the best way I could.
Unexpectedly, i actually had fun during the stiffs' parade.
How?
I sat the way i wanted (Indian Sit/ Crossed Legs)
I walk the way i wanted (strutted instead of humbly)
I kept silent the way i wanted (blabbed through the whole thing)
I sang the way i wanted (toyo asin vetsin)
Naturally, i didnt expect a party.
But an angel from leyte in the form of my uncle
realized a long time promise of a suckling pig
out of pity or out of love
i wouldn't know.
The only thing i know is that
we had a good tasting lechon for lunch
and by we i mean my mother my sister and i.
I shared my blessings of course,
to people, who i knew cared about my graduation.
I spent the afternoon like Santa would on Christmas Eve.
I spent time on line with my beau as soon as i got home
and took a bath after we said our adieux.
Then i asked my sister a big favor,
if i could spend the night not spending a cent on cab fare.
But she replied with a question of her own:
"Who should I be with tonight?"
then with a statement,
"I really wanna go out tonight but blah2x"
then a question directed to me,
"Where are you going?"
then a statement presented to me,
"I'll just drop you off because i haven't gone out in so long"
i had to say something,
"I haven't graduated since kindergarten (beat that)".
So i stepped into my PJ's
and hopped into bed.
I am upset. yes.
But I am not mad.
Neither am i vengeful, even in thought.

Have i grown up for real?
Or have i just been brushed far too many layers of jadedness?
Have i become accepting and enduring?
OR have i simply reached the maximum level of numbness i possibly could?

reminder for me

this entry is not meant for sharing.
i am writing this only to remind myself later
of how my life left like today.
so if you are not the writer
i hope you would have the decency to stop reading by now.

today oct. 12, 2007 friday 00:10 am
come oct. 13 is my graduation day.
and mind you i have high grades
really worth mentioning grades for a fourth year student
who doesnt even study or barely shows up in class
but i just came home from somar with tel, p & fej
tel asked me to tarvs this guy who kept on looking my way
so i did, he even gave me a cheek kiss and held my waist
maybe he was interested.
maybe not.
or maybe it was just because he had a girlfriend.
either way, i dont give a damn.
all i wanted to do was to feel like i was still likeable
to do things that irresponsible fun loving immature youngster do
having very little attention from my very busy
and physically absent (however very loyal & in love) boyfriend
i guess i still wanted to see if i was still pretty (hehehe)
we girls need that from time to time
but it doesnt mean that we mean to cheat or anything
a little attention doesnt hurt
anyway i promised him that he would always have my heart
and by the time that my promise expires,
i would inform him right away and not let him linger on foolishly

anyway the other night was a blast too
oct 10 wednesday manang's USC Main
mane, fej, p, katline, doydoy & i were up for karaoke
we were like kids sweating from all the crazy acts
we eyed this guy bernard
long story short, stan gave him my number & he seemed interested
so we moved on to east west mango
& from there i got a green light from him
and once more i was "reset" (ask jannelle oka)
twice.
he was young (finally, glenda... i had my dream come true)
he seemed & said that he is a model (bench)
well he had a body & a face worth bragging
i dont give a damn of how it seemed to anyone
all that mattered to me was that
i lived my dream
i pushed my luck
& i ended up alive & contented

oct.9 somar
jek2 was once more pushing to some guy rusel
but it seemed like rolan (another guy) was showing some interest
this time i was with fej, p, vanyang & katline (AR dash)
so jek2 was texting me forcing me to be okay to give out my number
which i wasn't
& it ended up with him admitting
that he was interested in me
but that it was just a bit too risky & tasking for him having atits around
but i wasnt hoping for anything anyway
just with the mere fact that i knew
that this guy who was so attractive
who everybody found attractive
was interested in me, was enough for me to know
vanyang & fej were showing (true or not)
that they were upset with me having swept 3 guys in one night
to look into my direction & pursue me

oct. 5 friday
i was nagging to a friend about his stupid bestfriend
and how bestfriend (BF) was acting weird about our "agreement"
he was laughing along with me
& we ended up reseting me from a 4 month drought
after the reset though
that was the only time i realized that he was actually hot
and i recalled that he was nominated as a hunk of the batch
then i thought no wonder.
we saw each other the next day
acted cool as if nothing happened
just as i wanted
we stayed friends.

oct. 4 Grad Ball
Stupid BF who i had a mutual agreement with
broke the carnal rule of what i offered him
which he conciously accepted
he broke through the perimeters of friendship
he ventured on the path of infidelity (as defined by me)
and as if his lip lock wasn't bad enough (more of tongue choke)
he had to open his mouth & blurt out THE WORDS
THE WORDS that i refuse to ever believe
THE WORDS that are so overused, misused & misconstrued
THE WORDS that make up valentine cards
a significant revulsion suddenly erupted in me when i heard it

*hint*
Stupid BF- see Sar
Easy Going BF - dI Ko


i have no i idea where i am going
what i am going to do and
who i am going to be after playing the role of a student for so long.
graduation blues.
you don't get it until you're there.
i'm there.
i should start calling this graduation black!
the confusion is so hazy, it's blinding.

allergies: pizza, alcoholic beverages & STRESS

oddly i have adopted/acquired a few allergies as i grew older
well for alcoholic beverages,
it has been the same ever since i was young.
i would turn beet red and my face would swell
then i would be grasping for air as if i were choking.

for pizza, i just developed this allergy a few years ago.
but not just any pizza.
it should be the expensive (branded) ones.
i would have asthma which is incurable by my inhaler.

among these three, stress is my dreaded allergy.
don't even let me cite the horrendous effects.
but stress is the reason why i write.
stress is the reason why i am writing right now.
i have so much going on in my head.
like, what should i do in the next couple of days?
what do i want to become in the following years?
what are my short term and long term goals?

people congratulate me
and afterwards, expect that i greet them gleefully
with a proud & slightly boastful smiling thank you
but i can't fake it.
so i don't smile.
and i just tell them,
wait until you get to where i am
and then you would know
that although school is over for me
the pressure is just beginning,
the responsibility is overwhelming,
the lead & guide of yourself from now on
will be just yourself.
phew!
for more than 20 years
(although i have worked in the past)
this is the first time
wherein i have to make my own decisions
and these decisions will affect me a whole lot
and i will have to make these decisions alone.

being an adult sucks.
i knew that fact long ago.
but it sucks so much more now
because i have to be one.

imagine me...
experiencing the foul effects of my allergies
specifically my allergy on stress...
FOR LIFE.
ugh!