the purpose may be

the purpose of this whole ordeal may be that i was enticing the already gotten but somehow ungettable. you have never failed to amaze me, amuse me and faze me. have i enticed you by any chance? accidentally or purposely? my flirtations were to loud evento be called such, i would rather say they were loud and bold invitations. i can say that now since i was reviewing my previous entries, which by the way are very erroneous i know but i'm too tired to correct them, and i found out that i reached out to you in my thoughts even when you were gone, just like you did. well, i sure do hope that doesn't happen anymore because if i feel like this ever again, i will have to be on my deathbed gasping for my last breath. i can't stand another one of these episodes of severe hearttoasts. this has gone far enough now. so now you and i can say that it didn't work out, rather than just saying, we never came to be so i don't know why it was even over. right? it's a delusion of mine that i'm a perpetual optimist because i am not. i'm a realist. i see it as it is, say it as it is. and i might have been too rough on you but you already knew that, and it was up to you if you were going for the challenge. you went for it but didn't make it. it was good for nothing then. because it doesn't make you more of a maan just for trying, that's why they don't give medals to all the participants, they give medals onlly to the winners... why? because these winners were man enough to take up the challenge and worked hard to be above the challenge. for those who are lazy and laid on the workload, the stiffle and the stress, don't deserve the medals. medals like me.

You make me come
You make me comeplete
You make me comepletely miserable
Stuck to a chair
Watchin this
Story about me
Everything goes by so fast
Making my head spin
Used up all my friends
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love things that we should fear
Im not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
Nothing to share
Why should i
Care if youre near me
Give up all my plans
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love the things that we should fear
Im not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable
I love the things that we should fear
Im not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
You make me come
You make me comeplete
You make me comepletely miserable

I DO, DON'T YOU?

i hate it when i do this
i write only when i'm down
i wish i could've shared this
i thought i still could, now.

so here i am
trying to be glad
supressing the damned
i be on an ad

i am currently single
and so who cares?
before like above, i wasn't.
to repeat i shall dare.

i will own that smile again
it won't be long 'til it happens
someone will be wrapped in my arms
or me in hers, we both shant tire.

i will wait
no matter if it doesn't come.
i still hope
i'll get my hands full of some.
i will love
my repertoire ney change.
i still love
even if due to pain i cringe.

jaded
lost
loved
hurt
left
lost
angered
lost
jaded
singled
confused
liked
loved
confused
singled
lost
left
NOW

i have been through it
yes, in that order
you have been through it
might be in a different order
but only in the darkness
will i see the light
for in the bright
the ray will blend in with the rest
pitchblack is my vision
i can't see it
i can't feel it
i can't sense it at all
but i believe in it.
i believe in love
i believe in faith
i believe in trust
i believe in respect
i believe in understanding
i believe in guiding
i believe in the thought that
the words you and me
can never be the same
without the word and between them
i believe that you may be someone else
rather than you, mars
i believe that i may be someone else
rather than me, mars.

TIME

there is this song that i like
it's by Arkarna, the band who sang "So Little Time".
The song had a video but i never beccame pop
and it has a few lines that go:

"Time is like a timebomb
you could die any day,
who knows what the future holds,
let's have our fun today.
Man made time a timebomb,
the hours slip away,
just dry your tears for a rainy day."

sure.
time was such a big issue for me
then i met someone who change that
now i'm a person who only respects time
for the sake of others
but not for mine
why? simply because when i ask myself:
"What am i in a hurry for?"
i couldn't answer myself.
ergo, i keep my cool
most of the time, that is.

but just when i thought
that everything was going well
the ceiling comes crashing down
with the roof atop it
all atop me
on top of me with rusted rainwater
and it just got into my eye
so i began to cry

who should i blame?
why should i blame?
only time will tell what this is for
only time knows
only time can unfold the unseen
time
time
time

i told myself i wouldn't mind time
but really?
i mind time especially now.
now that i'm reminded
reminded of how short 2 months really is
and how long those 2 years were
fine, i mind time.
i am still in a state of shock.
i said i didn't care 'bout time,
but then if this wound was too soon
when was the right time for me to wound?
did i expect to bleed?
no.
did i expect to be scarred?
no.
did i expect to be hurt?
no.
did i expect for you to leave?
never.
why?
because you told me so.
but maybe it's YOU
who doesn't mind time.
because time says that
forever means endless.
because time says that
never means regardless.

but to you it seems like
your promises were half meant
it now sounds like
your love confessions were half said

you knew me long enough
you knew me well enough
you knew me enough to hurt me
you knew me and how to hurt me

now i just hope you are happy
that this could be your tale
a tale you would remember with fondness
that finally, you weren't left
instead, you're the one who left
i would feel very happy to know that then
because then, i will be able to see
the fruits of this pain and sacrifice
the pain of being hurt despite being true
the sacrifice of giving you what you want
even if it means losing what's mine

as for now, i'll have to bear this
i'll have to chew it and taste it
and savor this until i learn what it is
if it's spicy, i'll need carbs
if it's bitter, i'll need sugar
if it's salty, i'll need water
but if i learn
that this is what sweet tastes like
then i'd rather choose bitter
and love the taste of it
knowing that it was bitter to begin with
it will be bitter in the end
then i won't need sugar.
unllike sweets,
wherein they start pleasantly
and end miserably.

again, we speak of time.
specifically, of the end.
i have previously mentioned an end
it was unndefined
it was unclear
but today
you defined it
you made it clear
that YOU WANTED US TO END.

Supposedly

Regret is the worst
it's the worst feeling
it's the worst experience
it's the worst plan
it's the worst decision
it's the worst miss
it's the worst turn
it's the worst ...

and supposedly is just a good
obviously sarcatically good.

and supposedly i was going to say
supposedly i was about to post
that supposedly you were my "afterglow"
supposedly you were it.

you could be it
who can really tell?
but the again,
i suppose not.

i was reading through the forementioned song
and i realized that it depicted you
or that supposedly it depicted you
that it was how i really felt
take notice the WAS as the IS melts

you broke all the rules
i might have broke a few too
but you broke them all
and now i'm loosing grip of you

and so a few hours ago
i was grinning
now a few hours later
i am rethinking

A Quick Review

Don’t use time nor words carelessly, neither can be retrieved.


Be brave, even if you’re not. No one can tell the difference.

i must be a lunatic.
how can i be happy?
when all my entries sum up to be a contribution
a contribution to seemingly indefinite misery
if these typewritten words were to transform
if these very words were done by pen and hand,
they would come to a stack
a stack of hardly pressed marks
a bunch of slightly crumpled sheets
a sight of unpleasantries
a collection to avoid
but i am happy nonetheless
that's why i think i must be psychotic
lock me up i'm a neurotic
but for real? don't!
i won't mind if you did.
but this i'm sure of
that you wouldn't wanna miss
to catch a ray of my slowing bliss